I must be..........

Last Entry -

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 04:31:10 GMT

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference

Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate a break in

Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condidtion

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was calling all the same
But I wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly it occurred to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existnce

Everything left on the other side
Could never be much worse that this
But could I go the distance

I faced the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was licked so tight
That door it wouldn't open

Gave it all that I got
And started to knock
Shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
The harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door

Slippin

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 08:19:46 GMT

It turns out that we're not only reading different books, Shes not even in the fucking library. No, shes in the library in a galaxy a billion light years away watching interpretive dance! I must have made a wish at some point asking for her to never listen let alone notice anything I say or do. For a bonus I was the lucky one millionth customer at wish.com and I my prize is to have that wish come true each and every single day.

Tomorrow night, if all goes well...lol....

Im going to get trashed on expensive red wine. Sunday is my DAY off on the next schedule. So If I make it through the night, I can recover for the week ahead. :*(

1 15 teh pwN3D.

....oh noes..............

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 11:06:42 GMT

Another day another ................

Angela decided it was get mad at me and not tell me why day. Its not like I didnt ask. I asked at least 10 times. I started a tally to keep track. But hey, It was just my day off. I didnt want it to be any better than any of my other shitty days. Im ready for my unexpected early twenties heart attack now.

I found out this morning that this is probably going to be last day off for the next couple of weeks. So if not heart failure this week, forecast looks good for the next.

For now, im gonna smoke alot, watch a really good/depressing episode of Full Metal Alchemist, and then quietly cry myself to sleep.

-

Laying down

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:27:38 GMT

Life sucks. Believing is for suckers. Im an idiot. Im just going to leave the knives in my back, otherwise I wont learn anything.

::poof::

ver2

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 20:17:02 GMT

I thought I had an idea of how fucked things are. But it seems were not on the same page. Shes not even reading the same fucking book. Wow...

: * (

Connection dropped by Peer

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 12:07:15 GMT

Shes still not talking to me at all. It doesnt really seem like she has any idea that shes really deeply torn into me this time. Bad timing has always been a big part of my relationships. I dont know why im choosing to put and keep my foot down.

I dont think I will make the mistake of fooling myself into believing that I have a connection with someone that would generate an unspoken understanding of our feelings at any given moment, and how to work with them. Words are necessary always. Reciprocation however, is not.

I dont speak about my thoughts as often as most people I have encountered do. I had hoped and, with some people, assumed that my social quirk would generate an environment where the little blurbs I did speak would have conveyed a far larger message. I over analyze and over think everything. While that is another character flaw for me, I see a large benefit from it. That benefit being that I am able to quickly asses with very little information the gravity of a situation. In turn, I usually modify my behavior to be as supportive as the situation would call for. In short, I know when to keep my mouth shut, and what the best things would be to say if needed. Granted, I do not always act in that fashion.

Now more than ever, I am unable to provide the level of support many of my relationships require and expect of me. Im spent, and being taxed more and more each day it seems. I feel like I cannot continue with life as it is now. The worst part of that is that I have no idea how to correct/help make anything better. As each day passes in this state I keep loosing more and more security in myself and my ability to rise above any of it. Im begging to wonder/realize that its been this way for longer than I care to admit to myself.

I have no idea whats going to happen. It scares the hell out of me. But all I can see is more of same on the horizon. The body cannot live without the mind, and I feel like mine is slipping away from me. The most terrifying thing is being certain that no one around me will be there to catch it.

All I really want is someone to listen becase they want to and care to do so. Obligation is worthless. Where did I go wrong? Why do I feel sorry?

Crap on a Crap Cracker......ON SALE!

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 13:19:57 GMT

Words of the day:

Mutal Exclusion.

Just do it.

Its fine.

"Dont say my name when your having sex with a girl you got drunk just cause you got laid with the free bottle of Zin wine I gave you. Thanks is good enough."

Elf Up!

Mep!

Pointy

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 09:46:38 GMT

Bullshit. Its the only thing echoing in my head right now. Everything is complete fucking bullshit.

Thanks never letting me finish what I was trying to tell you that one night. Thanks again for just flipping out and making the it clear that you had no real interest in anything I had to say. Its pretty much what I was trying to explain anyways. Ive made it a point to remind myself that everything is happening to you and not us. Its good to know that you have a list of people you can talk to. I can only hope that its as nice as I imagine it to be.

I seem to have poor decision making skills as to picking the people I keep closest to me physically and mentally. Sorry guys, doors are closed. Im full and im empty. I feel so damned heavy. I'll just keep moving forward, dont worry, I dont need days off. You didnt let me have any of them anyways. My mistake.

I gave up a couple weeks ago. I feel like a shell 99% of the time now. Next run i'll try to wear my feelings on my shoulder like everyone here. I dont know what existential force im at war with but you win. Im raising the white flag and dropping my gun.

Unwittingly I have been chipped away back to the once bitten twice shy teenager who spoke only when he had too. I'll be fine. Thats the absolute truth. Just dont assume what you think "fine" is, is even remotely close to my definition for it now. Just tell yourself that all this here is unjustified of me, I never said anything about it right? Im just cranky or tired. Im not fighting anyones decision to write me off anymore.

I still have a love and care for all, but, I cant help myself anymore, I still wish I could help you.

:poof:

Ism

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 08:46:12 GMT

Its been awhile. Though, thats not really a concern of mine here. Any frame of real reference has been mulled into nothingness by the grinding wheels at work in the background. When it rains, it certainly does pour.

I want to say its been a long week, but, that wouldnt be accurate anymore. Its just been long. Through either a single action or multitude of actions I have become isolated. Congress is still waiting for the independant commission's report on exactly where the biggest portion of fault is and was. Many extentions are pending. All anyone can agree on is that the reports wont be hitting anyones desk anytime in the foreseeable future.

All the ears are on reserve. They were already in short supply the previous decade. Demand had exceeded supply so quickly that most outlets hadnt bothered ordering them for years now. Special orders collecting dust in a million different warehouses yellowed awaiting a completion that would most likely never come.

Bankruptcy of the soul was the new term on every piece of junk mail analog or digital. A new bastard child market born of failure grew like a mushroom cloud over a crumbling industry.

Each one of us could look at each other and see that the medicine cabinet was empty. All the band aids were gone. With tears rolling down our cheeks we would soon begin the random slaughter of one another. Liquidation of an unrealistic dream of what should be and should have been.

Vulgate

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 03:01:06 GMT

Come waste your millions here........

You __ me

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 09:20:10 GMT

Weeeeeeeee....actually no.
No "weee"

; (

Sat, 07 May 2005 11:29:21 GMT

The Chinese said this was supposed to be my year. Not so far : ( .

Bad day. Long stories.

More later.

Poop poopy poopy Poop

Thu, 05 May 2005 11:24:28 GMT

Im sick. Not sure what it is. The symptoms could make it a sinus infection, chest infection, flu, common cold, trojan horse?

I feel like I have a fever. Im pretty sure im calling in sick for work today. Gotta rest up so I can get better for Vegas. I was hopping to have more to write...meh maybe later today.

huh.....................

Tue, 03 May 2005 11:58:41 GMT

Woke up randomly again. Well, Tylenol Sinus always puts me to sleep for way to long and gives me weird and fucked up dreams.

I woke up a lil bit ago to the lovely taste of medicine on my gums.

I was going to reset my cell phone alarm and saw that the battery had died. So I plugged it back in and powered it up. I found a sweet message from Angela.

Im really lucky to have her in my life. Despite everything that makes our lives difficult she still manages to cut through it all and make me feel loved. If it wasnt for her I would have given up my optimism for life long ago im sure. Yes, all this from a simple voice mail. Angela, I love you :D.

I hope all my friends have this in their life. And if not now, hopefully soon.

exowhat?????.........

Tue, 03 May 2005 11:47:05 GMT

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”

--Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”

--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

</td>

Existentialism

100%

Hedonism

80%

Justice (Fairness)

55%

Utilitarianism

45%

Strong Egoism

30%

Kantianism

25%

Nihilism

20%

Divine Command

Apathy

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

a;lskdjf;laksjdf

Mon, 02 May 2005 10:35:55 GMT

so bored, anyone else still up?

: P ................

Sun, 01 May 2005 18:52:36 GMT

Your Birthdate: March 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.

You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.

You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.

You are introspective and a little stubborn.

Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.

This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.

The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.

Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.

You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.

Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

nizerd..........

Sun, 01 May 2005 08:32:49 GMT

<td bgcolor="#BBEEDD"> Academic Geekiness: Low</td></tr> <td bgcolor="#B0F4D7"> General Geekiness: Low</td></tr> <td bgcolor="#A4F9D2"> Internet Geekiness: Low</td></tr> <td bgcolor="#99FFCC"> SciFi Geekiness: Low</td></tr>

Your Geek Profile:

Fashion Geekiness: Highest

Gamer Geekiness: Highest

Movie Geekiness: High

Geekiness in Love: Moderate

Music Geekiness: Moderate

How Geeky Are You?

omgwtf........

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 11:23:11 GMT

Woke up again in a sweat.......

Its not really that hot in here.....???idk???

I have to give Brian a ride to his moms house in an hour anyways...damn no point in going back to sleep now.

About a half an hour after I got to work several fire trucks pulled into our parking lot. We went outside to see what was going on and saw a group of customers and Borders employee's gathered around the front door. The fire fighters were using the huge ladder to get to the roof. A fire had broken out in the cafe upstairs.

An hour later a couple of borders employees came into BevMo. They wanted to store all their milk and baked goods in our walk in cooler. We stored it for them and in exchange they let us take any thing we wanted from it. Free sandwiches, pretzels, cake.

When Julie from Borders was walking out she told us to help ourselves to the cake in the back. I had to refrain from saying "I dont want no cake. I want me some pie! You know what im saying?"

Sigh, hopefully i'll get a chance to use a Boxy Brown quote in a situation that wont get me in trouble again soon.

Nyquil perhaps.............?

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 09:38:38 GMT

Still cant fall asleep. For some ungodly reason [Adult Swim] isnt on friday nights. Nothing else good is on for that matter.

I cant wait to get down to Vegas with Angela again. It'll be a short trip but Im looking forward to it. I'll finally get to hand deliver a much belated wedding gift to Jason and Justy and hopefully get schooled by them at Texas hold'em.

I always wanted to watch the Star Trek:Enterprise series, but now its canceled. The internet buzz isnt making things sound good for the future of the Star Trek franchise. Next Generation kicked ass. DS9 was soso but had its moments. Voyager was cool. Rumors on the web say that another movie is in the works but will take place even before time Enterprise was set in.

I wish they would give the Next Gen cast a trilogy story line where the shit hits the fan with all the enemies made along the way of the series. All out space wars leading up to a conclusion with very few small open ends. The characters deserve a kick ass send off like that. idk.

Anyone see Hitch Hikers Guide? Good as it looked?

................. ;D ..............

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 09:02:34 GMT

Bitch about work time. I should be sleeping, but it seems I doze off after work now and wake up two hours or so later and have difficulty getting back to sleep.

3 closers is not enough for a friday night. Dammit Brian, why do you suck so badly at scheduling? Two hours of overtime today is nice for my wallet later. But bad for my sanity and health now.

Im getting a week to myself in my condo. Brian my roommate is going to Mexico. I get to be really loud all night long :D.........

Hay Low

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 10:15:11 GMT

I havent written anything in along time now. So, here goes. Angela got to see Richard Dean Anderson ( Macguyver, Stargate SG-1 ) at her work. I now posses and ten dollar bill once handled by RDA and a security cam photo of him to boot. Thanks Angela :D!

My cars distributor crapped out and cost me $500 to replace. That killed a paycheck that was supposed to get me back on track with my expenses.

My roommate Brian and I finally had our first but very minor fight. Everything was quickly worked out however. His brother Jeremy is moving back out here from San Francisco two months earlier than expected. Our little group will all be back together for this first time in awhile. Im hoping that is a good thing.

I should be getting a fat raise in the next couple of weeks at work :D! Wine is my new favorite drink at the moment.

So yeah, updatey. Hope everyone is doing well. :D I'll write something more interesting soon im sure.

Back to sleep.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 06:27:16 GMT

American Cities That Best Fit You:

75% Los Angeles

70% San Francisco

65% Portland

60% Honolulu

60% Seattle

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Like my new Icon?

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 18:32:13 GMT

Yes, No?

rablerablerable.......

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 06:32:58 GMT

Just got home. Work ran long. Sleepy. : /

Gonna drink some wine and play Doom3. Miss Angela. If you read this I give you call from worky tomorrow. <3